Live Laugh Love & Heartache

A year since my life changed so drastically and the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye to Martin has been something that has stayed with me and pops into my mind quite often.    I just think about how Martin and I were always there for each other, but when he needed me the most I couldn't be by his side cheering him on, and giving him the love and strength I know he needed.  Worst of all in his last moments I wasn't there to say "I Love You" nor did I get the opportunity to say goodbye.  I will be honest, my stolen goodbye still haunts me even over a year later.   My stolen goodbye also brings out a lot of feelings of guilt at times.   Rational Pamela knows I did everything I possibly could for Martin.  Rational Pamela knows that Martin dying is not my fault.  But almost one year later, when grief sneaks up on me I have to deal with the intense and overwhelming feelings that in some ways I let Martin down.   My stolen goodbye also makes me wonder about so many

Navigating grief is such a challenging and exhausting journey.  To feel fine one moment and then find yourself crying your eyes out the next is something I have had to not only deal with but also accept.  This past year I have learnt that it is ok not to be ok.   I have discovered that there will be times when grief will just sneak up on me without warning and make me feel as though I am moving backwards instead of forward.  I have been through many of those moments, and I now know that grief is just like a rollercoaster.  Grief has many ups and downs, twists and turns that you truly don't expect.  This grief rollercoaster is something you desperately want to get off but  know you can't.  Most importantly it is a rollercoaster ride that is truly different for everyone.   Through my journey the most important aspect of grief that I have become more aware of  is that EVERYONE does grief differently.  I really think that is so important to realize because many people tend to compa

When I found out that Martin lost his battle with Covid, my immediate thoughts were  how was I going to tell Elsie?  and How is this going to affect Elsie and Graeme?  For a year I have watched Elsie struggle so deeply, recently with the year anniversary she has had a major setback all related to the trauma of losing her Papa.  I wrote this piece published by Scary Mommy to make people aware just how affected kids are by Covid.  My daughter wants to know when her Papa is going to come and visit her, she still doesn't grasp why he is gone and she can't see him.  As a mother this breaks my heart.  So yes kids are affected and I will continue to raise awareness about this area of Covid grief, because this is my reality.   https://www.scarymommy.com/kids-impacted-covid-mine-lost-their-dad/ Elsie waiting for Papa to get home  Good Night Kisses to Papa