Grief Is Complex

Navigating grief is such a challenging and exhausting journey.  To feel fine one moment and then find yourself crying your eyes out the next is something I have had to not only deal with but also accept.  This past year I have learnt that it is ok not to be ok.   I have discovered that there will be times when grief will just sneak up on me without warning and make me feel as though I am moving backwards instead of forward.  I have been through many of those moments, and I now know that grief is just like a rollercoaster.  Grief has many ups and downs, twists and turns that you truly don't expect.  This grief rollercoaster is something you desperately want to get off but  know you can't.  Most importantly it is a rollercoaster ride that is truly different for everyone.  

Through my journey the most important aspect of grief that I have become more aware of is that EVERYONE does grief differently.  I really think that is so important to realize because many people tend to compare their grief with someone else's  grief and that just isn't healthy.  I feel when people do this comparison they ask themselves "What am I doing wrong?"  There is no right or wrong to grieving, and I think that needs to be talked about more.  Grief is messy. Grief happens at your own pace.  Grief absolutely shouldn't be compared from person to person because we are all different and we process and experience loss differently.  In accepting the way we are grieving it will help us move forward in a healthier way.  

I think as a society we don't talk about grief enough because it makes people feel uncomfortable.  When others feel uncomfortable talking about grief those who are grieving suffer even more.  To be honest, in many areas of my life I feel so out of place almost like I don't belong because people don't understand what I am going through and what my life is like.  People also try and say supportive things, but end up saying things that only hurt and in someways make the bereaved  feel like something is wrong with them.   Yes even after a year I am still grieving and still have rough moments, so don't tell me I should be feeling better, because grief is complex.  I am still moving forward in my grief but I still have those moments that take my breath away and make me feel as though I am taking  steps backwards instead of forward.  I know that is ok, because in feeling what I am feeling I am moving forward and healing.  But, to hear people have this expectation of what my grief should look like and where my grief should be at this point on my journey isn't at all helpful.  

I also feel that because I am a young widow, most people don't have a clue what it is like helping your young children with their grief while you are also grieving.  It is a full-time job, that takes a lot of time, work and effort. I know all the work and effort I am putting into Elsie's grief and emotional well being is worth it, but it does add a layer to my own grief.  I cannot put into words how painful it is to see my little girl struggling to accept and understand her Papa's death.  Plus, she is three and most of the time I have to figure out what her actions are telling me because developmentally she isn't able to express what she is thinking or feeling.  So navigating  Elsie through her grief, is an added emotional rollercoaster ride with many different ups and downs and twists and turns.  

Grief is a very difficult and challenging journey.  Those grieving truly just just need love and support.  Buy us a meal, cut our lawn, help us with things around the house, spend time with our kids and tell them stories about their Daddy/Mommy, check in on us, and just LISTEN.  Let us laugh, cry, and vent. Accept us as the new person we are because of our loss.  Most of all don't judge us about where we are in our journey or how we are grieving.  The truth is even as we move forward with our new life and self there will always be some grief present in our lives, because it has become a part of us and our story. 

I have come a long way on this journey and I still have a long way to go, and that is totally fine.  I love the quote that simply states that grief is the price you pay for love, and because I loved Martin so deeply, that intense grief I feel at times is all because of that love.  He will always have a piece of my heart, and that is why my grief will never fully go away.