Live Laugh Love & Heartache

Martin truly touched the lives of many. Today I was given the opportunity to share a few words about Martin at a Memorial Mass organized by Catholic Charities, Diocese of Paterson, an organization where Martin volunteered. Yet again I could see what an impact he had. Martin continues to amaze me, and moments like these bring me so much joy. I am so proud of him, and even prouder to be his wife.   It was truly a very special day for me in so many ways. The most memorable moment was right after I spoke. I had just sat down in my seat and the priest began to conclude the mass. Suddenly, this strong gust of wind came out of nowhere and leaves began to fall all around me. In that moment I knew Martin was there with me, giving me a hug from Heaven.  A little surprise from Martin at the perfect time. I then looked up at trees swaying, smiled, and whispered "I love you too babe. Now, Forever, Always." Here are my words about Martin that I shared with everyone today. Thank...

 "I have to tell you something but I want to look into your eyes." Martin got up from the couch and walked to the light so he could turn it on.  As my eyes adjusted to the brightness Martin walked back to the couch, kneeled beside me, smiled, and said "I LOVE YOU."  I looked at him and said "I LOVE YOU TOO."  Seven years ago that was our first I LOVE YOU, I still remember it like it was yesterday.  I remember how natural it was to tell him that I loved him.  I remember how happy I was as we embraced and kissed.   I remember his amazing smile and the sparkle in his eyes.  I remember how perfect and memorable he made that incredibly special moment.  October 14th will always be special to me and our love story.  I will never stop loving him no matter where life takes me. Martin and our love will have a place in my heart for the rest of my life.  I am so grateful for the time I had with him, and I am even more grateful that the last tim...

  “Don’t be afraid of Covid.” When I read that, my heart sank, and tears filled my eyes.  How could someone say that?  Over 200,000 Americans have died due to complications from Covid.  My amazing husband and Elsie and Graeme's loving Papa died because of this horrible virus that you say don't be afraid of.  Well, I am in complete disagreement, you should fear this virus it is deadly and frankly it doesn't care who you are.  Martin was only 44 years old, he was healthy, and had his whole life ahead of him.  Our future together with our children was taken away all because of this DEADLY  virus.   As I read that tweet, memories flooded my mind...the memories that I try not to think about often because they are deeply painful and cause a lot of grief. But let me paint a picture as to why you should fear this virus.   One of the last texts I received from Martin before he was intubated was when he...

A few weeks ago I wrote this piece.  Although I submitted it to several newspapers none of them published it.  So since I took the time to write it I thought I would post it here .   Is it Really Safe to Return?   Teachers play a crucial role in society. We work tirelessly to create the most engaging lessons possible to grab our students attention and foster their love of learning. We find clever ways to help students who struggle so that they too feel successful in the classroom. We spend not only our time but money to make the best learning environment possible for all our students. We are entrusted to keep our students safe from the moment they enter our room until the moment they leave. Teachers are asked to do so much every school year and at times it feels that many overlook how important teachers truly are.  When this pandemic started I had hoped that people would start valuing a teacher's job more, and at first it seemed that many understood just how dif...

Seven years ago, on the steps of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, I met Martin.  I still vividly remember his smile and how is eyes lit up when we greeted each other with a simple "Hello, nice to meet you."  Originally based on the date idea I had posted on "How About We," we were supposed to have our first date at the MET, however, as I was on the train I texted Martin and asked him if we could walk in Central Park (my favorite place in NYC) instead because it was such a beautiful day out.  He was a gentleman and obliged, but we agreed to still meet at the Met before we headed to Central Park.  So that is how our story   began on the steps of the MET.   We walked in Central Park for hours, talking about our life, careers, I shared my knowledge of Central Park with him (as a second grade teacher I had created an entire social studies unit all about Central Park...I definitely impressed him with how much I knew).  It was obvious we clicked, our conversat...

Five months ago life changed.  Martin had a cough, but other than that he was feeling ok.  Yet he  was worried, being the person he was he called out from work.  He knew he had seen a patient who was on the radar of possibly having COVID and he wanted to keep people he cared about  safe.  He knew that if he did have COVID, he would be exposing so many at the hospital.  It was just a cough, he had coughs before, he seemed fine.  I remember him calling his boss, trying to find out if the patient's test result had come in...they hadn't.  I remember hearing her say "Let's figure out why you have this cough." He  went upstairs to rest, but all seemed fine...he talked about how if he was exposed he would just have to stay home, and he would have a chance to work on our bathroom.  Nothing that day really alarmed me, he had a cough...no fever...he could breath...he could smell and taste...he could eat...he acted like himself.  But this...

Sometimes I have such a hard time figuring out wha to write, because I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my head.  I think what has really been on my mind lately is returning to work.  One of the reasons I started this blog was to be opened and honest about my thoughts and feelings, and I want to be honest about this too.  So for those of you who don't know me personally here is a little back story before I go forward. I haven't been teaching since mid-October due to my high risk pregnancy.  Graeme was born in early November, and I had planned to go back to work in early February.  However,  as February got closer, I decided I wanted to spend more time with Graeme and enjoy bonding with him.  So in mid-January I made the difficult decision to take the rest of the year off.  I felt guilty about not returning to my students and teaching because I LOVE MY STUDENTS AND TEACHING, but then in...

This week my grief has been stronger than usual.  I couldn't pinpoint the reason until after I talked to my Grandmother (Grammy) on the phone Wednesday night.  Last Thursday Grammy had a massive stroke,  she was in hospice, and she past away Friday night.  This week I knew I was going to lose another person that I love.  Her stroke was unexpected.  Martin dying was unexpected.  Although, I knew what it meant once Grammy was transferred to hospice earlier this week, her death is still so difficult especially since I am still grieving Martin's death.  I honestly have never felt grief like this before, it is hard to explain, I almost feel like I am stuck.  I am now grieving two people that I love dearly.   I have to accept the fact that I will never see either Grammy or Martin again in this lifetime, another piece of my heart is broken, more  memories flood my mind and some even intertwine.   My last visit with Grammy was around t...

Today was just one of those days where Martin was really on my mind. A lot of different moments flooded my mind and made me miss him so much. I know I am allowed to have days like this and feel the way I do, its part of grief and losing someone you love so much.   Today I grieved the loss of our future together.  All the plans we had, all the things we were going to do as husband and wife, and all the things we were going to do as a family of four.  All of those things won't happen the way we planned.  Yes, I plan to do all those things that we talked about, but they will be without Martin here, and that just hurts and makes me sad.  And honestly it makes me made that he is not here to be able to have those experiences with us.  Again, I know it is normal to feel this way, but it just sucks.   Today I also had a moment where I thought about one night when Martin was at home fighting COVID.   I remember on that particular night he came out of our b...

Grief is just so weird and complex, there really is no handbook.  I feel that grief at times just sneaks up on you when you least expect it and brings you on this emotional rollercoaster ride that you wish you could get off but just can't.  I have dealt with grief before when I lost my Dad suddenly, some of what I am going through now seems so familiar because I remember some of these feelings when I was grieving the loss of my father.  But the one thing that is totally new and makes my grief feel even stronger is seeing my sweet and loving little girl grieve.   Elsie was and always will be a Daddy's girl.  She loved her Papa so much and they have had an amazing bond since the day she was born.  Martin could always make Elsie laugh and smile.  Because she went to the Daycare across the street from where he worked, they spent many car rides, drop offs, and pick ups together.   They were two best buds, and now her Papa mysteriously vanished and is n...

I love  browsing quotes because I find many of them so inspirational and right now that is without a doubt something that I need. I also feel that some quotes just have that power to make you feel better about your situation.  Sometimes when I read quotes I feel like my heart lightens up and there is that hope and joy that life will get easier at some point.  The other day while I was reading  quotes I came across a quote on Marty Tousley's Pinterest board and it resonated with me immediately.  It expressed exactly how I fell at times throughout the day when I think about Martin and start to miss him. "I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you.  And then I realized...you spent the rest of your life with me.  I smile because I know you loved me till the day you went away.  And will keep loving me...till the day we're together again. " True story I wanted forever with Martin, but he did get forever with ...

One Sunday a few years ago our Pastor gave a sermon in which part of it he mentioned how people write #blessed on a lot of different things on social media.  I don't remember what else the sermon was about but the #blessed stuck out because being the person Martin was, right after that sermon he used #blessed a lot.  It became our thing!   He didn't write it on social media  but would sweetly say #blessed when we did something special together or if I did something small to make him happy.  He would also use it when big exciting things happened...buying a house, finding out we were expecting, and having Elsie and Graeme are just some of those big moments he would let me know how #blessed he was (that we were).   I  was also so blessed that we met, fell in love, and built a life together.  Yes,  we had some bumpy times, but those bumps only made us appreciate each other and our love even more. ...

Through all of this one of my main goals is to get Martin's story out there.  There are a few things that fuel my desire to do so.  1.  He was only 44 years old. 2.  He was a healthcare worker who worked on the frontlines at the beginning of this pandemic.  3.  For Elsie and Graeme 4. He fought a brave battle with COVID  5.  He was amazing in so many ways and deserves to have his story told. 6. He is part of history.   I was quite honored that this past Monday, Governor Murphy chose Martin as one of the people he was going to highlight at his press conference.  Yes, he has honered many, but that doesn't change how special it was to me and everyone who loved and misses Martin.  To watch him talk about Martin and let others get a glimpse of the amazing person who lost his life to COVID way too soon gave me joy.  I was particularly touched because Governor Murphy added something at the end of his tribute to Martin t...

Lately I find that the small things in life bring so much joy and happiness into my life.  I think since Martin's death I tend to value the little things in life even more than I ever had.    This past week I had many of those special little moments that put a smile on my face and are undoubtedly helping me heal.   The other night when Elsie and I were done reading her three books she picked out, I looked at her and told her it was time to say goodnight the her "friends" aka her stuffed animals (it was something Martin had started and I have continued).  She looked back at me and proceeded to get in her kneeling position on her chair, her way of saying "Mama, we have to pray first."  It took me a second to realize that I had forgotten that part of our nightly routine, but when I realized what she was doing I couldn't help but smile, and of course I thought about how proud Martin would have been of his little girl.  I could visual his proud Papa smile, ...

The other day as I was driving home from the bank and I was stopped at a familiar red light.  While I was waiting for the light to turn green I had this wonderful memory of Martin that put a huge smile on my face, but at the same time made my heart sink a little.   Martin was such a sweetheart and a total romantic. I know he was so in love with me (as I was with him) and he would always show me in both BIG and small ways.  When I was pregnant with both Elsie and Graeme, Martin came to every single appointment I had and I had tons since I was high risk.  Since he came straight from work we would drive home separately, but I would always follow him home (even though I knew the way).  On the way home we usually got stopped at this one red light, the red light I happened to be stopped at.  When we were stopped at that light he would ALWAYS make a heart shape with his hands so I could see it from my car to tell me "I LOVE YOU".  I would ...

Martin is without doubt a hero. I feel what sometimes gets overlooked about Martin is the fact that he was a healthcare worker(a hero).    He was a speech pathologist who was part of the Swallowing Team at St. Joseph's Hospital in Paterson and Wayne, NJ. At the start of this Pandemic he was on the frontlines seeing patients with minimal protective gear.  I am almost 100% positive that he contracted COVID doing a job he loved more than anything.  He had a true passion for what he did and how he helped and cared about people makes him a hero in my eyes.  Patient care was extremely important to him and based on his work stories and the stories others have shared with me since his death, Martin went above and beyond for his patients.  That was just the type of person he was...TOTALLY AMAZING.   As I was driving home tonight I saw a banner in front of a hospital near my sister's house that said "Heroes Work Here."  As I sat at the red light and looked ...

"Tomorrow Isn't Promised," something Martin told me every so often just out of the blue.  Tonight I was thinking about that statement and I couldn't believe how right he was.  I am going to be completely honest, I hate that he was right about this.  I truly thought I had so much more time with him, and he totally deserved more time with us.   As I think about my life right now of course I am a bit angry.  I want him to be here for all the amazing moments that Elsie and Graeme are going to have in life.  I want him to be here to celebrate another anniversary.  I want him to be here so he can tell me he loves me and what a lucky guy he is.  I want him to be here to cheer me on and encourage me when I have doubts.  I want him to be here to we can make new memories together as husband and wife and as Mama and Papa.  Even though I want all those things and at times feel angry, I am grateful that he would remind me tha...

Losing your husband is difficult, losing your husband to COVID is even harder for several reasons.   1.  I couldn't see Martin the entire time he was in the hospital. That means for 26 days I never got to visit him, hold his hand, be by his side, or say goodbye.  The last time I saw him he was being wheeled out of our home on a stretcher.  To this day this still is so painful and breaks my heart. 2.  It is hard to hear on a daily basis by many that COVID isn't real.  COVID is very real to me and my two little ones.  I don't have my husband and they no longer have their Papa because of COVID.  This is very real, people are dying everyday from this virus.  So please don't say this isn't real.   3.  It is also hard to hear people say that because a person was young and didn't make it means they must have had underlying health issues.  Martin was healthy and COVID ravaged his body until his body could no longer take ...

Last night when I read that Nick Cordero lost his battle with COVID after over 90 days, I couldn't help but feel sick.  My heart broke for  Amanda Kloots and their son Elvis.  I have never  met either one of them but I could feel her pain and grief immediately.  It also brought me back to the night I found out Martin lost his battle with COVID.  The shock and disbelief as you know your life is never going to be the same again.  That the person you thought you were going to do life with is no longer here, but yet you have to find the strength to continue on for yourself and little ones.  Needless to say last night was a horrible night for me.   As I sat in my living room thinking about both Amanda and Elvis, I felt the need to write to her and let her know that she is not alone in this.  That other people like me know exactly what she is going through, that we are now somehow connected because of the current circumstan...

I was watching Hamilton two nights ago and I found it even more inspiring than I did when I first saw it in late September of  last year.  I am sure it is probably due to my current life situation.     Well, as I was listening to the last song,  I heard lyrics that immediately spoke to me.   "You have no control: Who lives Who dies Who tells your story?"    As  I heard those words I realize you truly don't have control over who lives or dies.  Martin didn't survive COVID but other people have, and at times I still don't understand why.  But it's true you have no control, and I just have to accept that and try to move forward with my life.  I truly believe as difficult as this situation is there is a reason he didn't beat this virus. I know God has a plan, and although I don't know exactly what that is yet, I trust God and I hope in time I will understand his plan for me.   Despite all the unkn...