My Stolen Goodbye

A year since my life changed so drastically and the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye to Martin has been something that has stayed with me and pops into my mind quite often.    I just think about how Martin and I were always there for each other, but when he needed me the most I couldn't be by his side cheering him on, and giving him the love and strength I know he needed.  Worst of all in his last moments I wasn't there to say "I Love You" nor did I get the opportunity to say goodbye.  I will be honest, my stolen goodbye still haunts me even over a year later.  

My stolen goodbye also brings out a lot of feelings of guilt at times.   Rational Pamela knows I did everything I possibly could for Martin.  Rational Pamela knows that Martin dying is not my fault.  But almost one year later, when grief sneaks up on me I have to deal with the intense and overwhelming feelings that in some ways I let Martin down.  

My stolen goodbye also makes me wonder about so many different things.  I think this is because I wasn't able to tell him so many things I wish I could have before he died. So I often ask myself many questions:  Did Martin know how much I truly loved him?  Did he know how much I wanted to be with him?  Did he know how how sorry I am that I couldn't be there.  Did he know how proud I was of him for fighting so hard.  Did he know that I did everything I possibly could to save him?  Did he know how happy he made me and how proud I was to be his wife and teammate?  

Despite the fact that I know that I did do everything I could to save him I have had many moments where I keep asking myself "Did I do enough?"  When I called 911 I thought I had caught it in time, that he would go to the hospital, get the care and rest he needed and would come home.  I thought all my actions would save his life, and we would continue on our journey as husband and wife with a new appreciation for each other and the amazing love and connection we had.  Of course, my story didn't end that way, and knowing the way our story did end is quite painful.  

I also still have the what if's creep up on me unexpectedly at times,    When I have those moments I tend to have  thoughts about what I could have done differently.  What if I had called the ambulance earlier?  What if I had demanded that they let me see him and be by his side for a few minutes, would that have mattered?   Even though I ask myself these painful questions, in the end rational Pamela knows that I did everything I possibly could for Martin.  I also find comfort in knowing that Martin knew how much I loved him and he  knew I would do anything for him.   I know he could hear me when we Facetimed with him.  I know he  heard me tell him how proud I was of him and that I believed in him.  I know he heard me tell him to keep fighting.  But, most of all I know he heard me say time and time again I love you now forever and always.  

I don't think I will ever fully get over my Stolen Goodbye, but I do know as I move forward in my journey my Stolen Goodbye will become less painful and heartbreaking to think about.