Happy Father's Day

Father's Day 2020 

I wish today was different. I wish that the last three months were a nightmare that I just haven’t woken up from yet. I wish Martin was here with us celebrating one of the things he loved most in this world...being a Papa!  This Father’s Day marks another without my Dad and the first of many without Martin. This day was already a bit difficult for me because I miss my Dad, but now Martin’s absence will make this day even harder. Although Martin isn’t here with us we will always celebrate him on this day just like I do my Dad. Martin truly was an amazing Papa. One of the things I miss most is the way his eyes would light up at the pure joy of being Elsie and Graeme’s Papa. He was such a proud and doting Papa. He was amazed at all the things Elsie and Graeme could do and was excited for all the moments that were yet to come as a Papa. It seems so unfair that he only got to be their Papa for such a short period of time, especially since it was one of his dreams!  

I spent part of the day thinking about what they day would have been like if Martin was still here.  I am sure I would have made him a special Father's Day brunch, showered him with special gifts from Elsie and Graeme, there would have been tons of hugs and baby cuddles, and of course we  would all be watching the Liverpool vs. Everton match with him (I had it on and it just wasn't the same).  Let's face it watching Liverpool will never be the same, but it  is something that I will continue to watch so Elsie and Graeme will become loyal fans like Martin and share that Liverpool bond with their Papa(just in a different way). 

  

Graeme is growing so fast and starting to hit some of those exciting milestones that Martin would have been so amazed by.  When I look at Graeme I am filled with joy because I see both my Dad and Martin, he also is the happiest little guy.  I honestly can't help but smile when he has his full on dimple smile and his cute little giggles.  As much as looking at him brings me joy I can't help but feel sad as well. I feel sad that he only got four and a half months with Martin and that Graeme won't have any memory of his Papa.  Of course, Graeme will know all about his Papa through the pictures we have and the stories that friends and family will share with him, but it just isn't the same.   

Elsie is such a big girl now, and he would love seeing her become her own little person.  Plus her singing and dancing around the house as she pretends to be Elsa would have been pure entertainment for Martin.  He loved to bop around with Elsie to his music (it's actually the last picture I took of them together), but he would have been a great sport and Papa and bopped around to Frozen songs with her as well.   She is the best big sister and is only getting better, I know Martin would have loved to see her stronger connection to Graeme as he interacts with her more.  When I look at Elsie I also see a lot of my Dad and Martin in her, she also is such a happy little girl with an amazing smile and a lovely laugh .  I also look at Elsie and see the heartbreaking look she has when she is thinking about Martin and missing him.  That is tough to see but when she does hit those moments of sadness I let her work it out(she usually goes gets his picture and hugs it) and when she is ready to talk about Martin I let her talk as much as she wants.  Her favorite thing to talk about is her birthday.  Martin made that day so special for her and I have no doubt that will be her first memory, and what a great one to have! 

Today he would have been an even extra proud Papa as we celebrated him.  Knowing that is what truly makes today so tough.  He just loved being a Papa and I am so grateful that he lived out his fatherhood dream for a short period of time, but I wish it was longer.  I wish that Graeme and Elsie would have been given the chance to know their Papa like I knew my Dad.  I wish Graeme and Elsie would have many memories to think about when they miss their Papa like I do when I miss my Dad.  So what makes today painful  is thinking about all the things that Elsie and Graeme will never experience with their Papa, because he was taken away from them way too soon.  Yes, we will always celebrate Father's Day and their amazing Papa, but it will always be so different.    

Happy Father's Day in Heaven.  We know Heaven is a beautiful place because they have Papa, but we will always have his heart.