I Wanted to Hold Your Hand

For some reason today I thought a lot about my time apart from Martin while he was in the hospital fighting for his life.  I remember how the one thing I wanted to do most was hold his hand.  Today while I was on Instagram I saw that Nick Cordero's wife got to do just that.  As I looked at her picture I felt so happy for her, and honestly at the same time I also felt sad.  Why? Well,  because she got to do what I wish I had the chance to do. It's a horrible feeling to know that Martin needed me and I couldn't be there to hold his hand like I always had when he was going through a rough time. Yes, there was FaceTime, but that isn't the same...in person is always so much better.  I know Martin fought. I know Martin knew how much I loved him. I know Martin knew I wanted to be there with him and would have been if I could.  I know that Martin needed me.  I know that this is one aspect of his illness, hospitalization, and death that sticks with me and is on my mind often.  Perhaps it is that What if? state of mind.  What if I was allowed to see him, hold his hand, and talk to him in person...would that have helped? I will never know the answer, so I am left wondering.  

What I do know is that on April 27th (six years to the day that Martin asked me to be his wife) I had the most amazing FaceTime call with him(it would also be my last). But let's go back, what made this call so special?  Well, earlier that Monday the Daycare Director at Elsie's Daycare mentioned that one of the nurses at Valley is a friend of the security guard.  She explained that this nurse was going into rooms to hold patients hands since family members couldn't be with their loved one. I immediately wrote back and told the Director that I believed that was exactly what Martin needed.  The nurse contacted me mid-day and told me she would be going to the hospital that evening. My first FaceTime call to Martin that night was while his nurse was in the room administering his meds so she wasn't in the room while I talked to Martin.  After I finished my call I texted her to thank her for setting up the call, and she asked me if I wanted her to go back and visit with Martin.  Of course, I did and I asked her if she could just hold his hand.  When she got into the room she called me and had me talk to Martin as she held his hand.  Although he was heavily sedated he did open his eyes for a brief moment and responded to hearing my voice.  I do remember telling him how much I loved him, how proud I was of him, how much Elsie, Graeme, and I missed him, that I believed in him, and I mentioned that six years ago he asked me to marry him.  While I reminisced about that day with him I made sure I thanked him for making that day so special and told him I would still say yes today.  I don't remember at what moment she told me that he moved his hand and squeezed hers, but he did and to hear that he did was completely amazing.  I know towards the end of my call with Martin I told him I loved him Now Forever Always (NFA) and told him to sleep well.   When I hung up, although I wasn't the one holding his hand I felt so happy knowing that he heard my loving words and felt someone holding his hand.  Who knows maybe he thought it was me?  

The following morning the nurse sent me a live photo of Martin moving his hand while she was holding it.  I knew that photo was taken during our phone call, and although I wasn't the one holding his hand I knew exactly what that squeeze felt like.  I watched that Live Photo several times and each time I looked at it my heart skipped a beat and I had one of  his favorite smiles  on my face.  The fact that this FaceTime call ended up being my last interaction with him means even more to me now.  Yes, I  wanted to hold Martin's hand and I still wish to this day that I had that chance, but I am so glad the last night he heard my voice there was someone holding his hand and comforting him. We had a BEAUTIFUL last moment that I will remember and cherish forever.