What Makes This So Much Harder?

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One of the hardest parts about losing someone to COVID-19 is the fact you can't be with them.  I think that is one of the things that truly makes this sort of loss so much worse. Martin was literally fighting for his life and I couldn't be by his side holding his hand, comforting him, and just telling him "I love you" in person. Since we started dating he and I would always say "in person is so much better," and BELIEVE me it totally is.  The one thing I wanted most was to be with him, even if it were just a few hours a day but I couldn't. 

 I didn't see Martin in person for 26 days and I will never see him again. Just thinking about that makes my heart sink.  During those 26 days apart I went through the most intense rollercoaster ride of my life!   I basically lived around phone calls to the hospital because that was the only way I was going to know how he was doing.  Let me tell you making those phone calls was absolutely draining both physically and mentally for many different reasons:  Sometimes it took me forever to get in touch with someone, sometimes I would be told someone would call me back and hours would pass and still no call so I would have to start the process all over again, sometimes in the middle of the day I would see the number calling me and go into complete panic mode until the person on the other end would say" nothing is wrong",  sometimes I would get an update that would put me at ease and make me feel that things were heading in the right direction, and then sometimes I would get those not so great updates that would make me anxious and nervous all over again.  That was life for 26 days.  

When I received that final call I knew.  I knew Martin lost his fight.  I knew I would never look into his eyes and see them sparkle.  I knew I would never hear him say "I love you" again. I knew my life was forever changed. I just knew.  

I truly feel that because I couldn't see him throughout his battle there is this extra layer of grief that I have had to go through.  As I reflect I truly believe that towards the end of his fight when news seemed to leave me more and more concerned and worried was just  an extra layer of grief I have had to work through. Don't get me wrong I always had faith he would make it, but as his days on the vent increased, his progress after surgery was not what was expected, and another bacterial infection set in I also knew that there was that small possibility that he wouldn't.  So all of this is why I feel this loss is so much harder. Our loves ones fought the battle of their lives to try and beat this virus, but we also fought hard and although we survived our fight we are left with deep wounds that will stay with us forever.  




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