Why?

-
Why is a question I ask myself a lot these days. Why did Martin have to get COVID?  Why did he get so sick?  Why couldn't he get better?   Why did he keep getting infections that set him back? Why couldn't he get off the vent? Why do my kids have to grow up without their Papa?  Why did I have to lose my husband to this virus?  Why did he have to die?  Why don't I get to grow old with Martin?  Why our family?  Why weren't my prayers answered?  Why is life so unfair sometimes? Why are people in such a rush to get back to normal? Why are so many people not taking COVID seriously? 

I don't expect to ever get the answers to these questions, but maybe I will gain some understanding of why eventually.   I do realize that all the why's I have now are also part of my grief.  I know overtime the feelings I have will lessen and won't be as strong or as often as they are now.  I remember going through a lot of this after my Dad passed away suddenly.  I know things get better, but they will just never be the same.  When I think about all these why's I also remind myself that: "Everything happens for a reason."  I truly believe this.  Right now I know I am going through this struggle for some reason, but of course I don't understand why it had to be me.  Already in the two months without Martin not only has my life drastically change, but so have I.  I am stronger than I have ever been as I navigate through my new life's journey with Elsie and Graeme.  Yes, I am sure many of these why's will  linger and make their appearance unexpectedly, but I also know that I will use this tragedy to grow and find the happiness that Martin would want me to have in life.  Everything happens for a reason, and I hope one day I can look back on this season of my life and understand a bit more than I do know why I had to lose Martin so soon.  

I saw this sky and the cloud bursting with light made me think of you my love. 
You will always be our guardian angel. 
Everything Happens For A Reason 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Let's Get Started

-
Image
I have always loved writing, it truly is a passion of mine.  I find writing down my thoughts always clears my head and makes me feel better. It is an escape from reality and let's face it right now I need some sort of escape from my reality.  My husband was one of the people who fell victim to the COVID-19 virus.  It really has been a crazy two and a half months. First self isolation, getting the positive test results, calling 911, daily status update phone calls, intubation, major and minor setbacks, surgery, getting the phone call no one wants to get...he went into cardiac arrest and didn't make it, and now the grieving process and just trying to move forward with my life.  The past two and a half months I have been on the wildest and craziest journey of my life and yet my journey has only begun. So I go back to my love of writing, why not share my story, my feelings, the ups and downs I have each day? Maybe I will inspire or help someone in a similar situation, maybe I will
Read more

Happy Father's Day

-
Image
Father's Day  2020  I wish today was different. I wish that the last three months were a nightmare that I just haven’t woken up from yet. I wish Martin was here with us celebrating one of the things he loved most in this world...being a Papa!  This Father’s Day marks another without my Dad and the first of many without Martin. This day was already a bit difficult for me because I miss my Dad, but now Martin’s absence will make this day even harder. Although Martin isn’t here with us we will always celebrate him on this day just like I do my Dad. Martin truly was an amazing Papa. One of the things I miss most is the way his eyes would light up at the pure joy of being Elsie and Graeme’s Papa. He was such a proud and doting Papa. He was amazed at all the things Elsie and Graeme could do and was excited for all the moments that were yet to come as a Papa. It seems so unfair that he only got to be their Papa for such a short period of time, especially since it was one of his dreams!  
Read more

A Letter to You, My Love

-
Image
 My Love,     I feel like I have sat down to write this over 100 times, but I just never am able to get the right words out. I cannot believe it has almost been a year since I lost you.  So much has happened, and yet a part of me still feels like no time has really passed at all.  So much about our last moments together as both a family and just us are still so vivid, like they only just happened yesterday.  I still see you in your Mets shirt and sweat pants looking at me from the doorway of our bedroom as I stood by Elsie's room.  I remember telling you what a great job you were doing, and reassuring you that you would feel better. I know I said "I love you" as I started down the stairs because I heard Graeme fussing.  In that moment I thought you were going to start feeling better and life would get back to normal. Little did I know our story was about to take an unexpected turn only a few days later.   I still think about April 3rd a great deal.  To be honest that day
Read more