Five Months Ago

Five months ago life changed.  Martin had a cough, but other than that he was feeling ok.  Yet he  was worried, being the person he was he called out from work.  He knew he had seen a patient who was on the radar of possibly having COVID and he wanted to keep people he cared about  safe.  He knew that if he did have COVID, he would be exposing so many at the hospital.  It was just a cough, he had coughs before, he seemed fine.  I remember him calling his boss, trying to find out if the patient's test result had come in...they hadn't.  I remember hearing her say "Let's figure out why you have this cough." He  went upstairs to rest, but all seemed fine...he talked about how if he was exposed he would just have to stay home, and he would have a chance to work on our bathroom.  Nothing that day really alarmed me, he had a cough...no fever...he could breath...he could smell and taste...he could eat...he acted like himself.  But this was the start, he had been exposed, the virus was already attacking his body, he and I just didn't know it yet.   

The past five months have been the most difficult five months of my life.  I have to live with the fact that I didn't  get to say goodbye. I have lost the person I was supposed to spend forever with.  I am learning how to be a single mom of two young children.  I am navigating the unknown as I try to figure out life and deal with all the stressors(especially financial) of losing someone so unexpectedly and way too soon.   I am learning our new normal, and slowly accepting that life will never be the same. I am dealing with the ups and downs of grief, while staying strong for my kids.  I have to see my  two year old daughter struggle with her Papa's death.  I have accept that I will always have this hole in my heart, and though it will heal overtime it will never go away.  

Even though the past five months have been the most challenging of my life, they have also made me stronger and more determined.  I have not lost my hope or faith, I truly believe that God wouldn't have taken Martin away if he didn't think I could handle it(I'm still trying to figure out why, but I do know I will get through this season).  I am learning more about myself and that I can do things I never thought possible, all because of what I am going through.  Most importantly I am more determined than ever to share Martin's story because he is a frontline hero who lost his life way too soon.  I truly feel that Martin's life and death have a greater purpose than I ever thought possible.  I have learned so much more about him, the impact he had, and the void he has left in so many people's lives.  He will be remembered by those who knew and loved him, but he will also been known to those who didn't, because he TRULY is a hero with an amazing story.  

A True Hero