Grief and Love

Grief is just so weird and complex, there really is no handbook.  I feel that grief at times just sneaks up on you when you least expect it and brings you on this emotional rollercoaster ride that you wish you could get off but just can't.  I have dealt with grief before when I lost my Dad suddenly, some of what I am going through now seems so familiar because I remember some of these feelings when I was grieving the loss of my father.  But the one thing that is totally new and makes my grief feel even stronger is seeing my sweet and loving little girl grieve.  

Elsie was and always will be a Daddy's girl.  She loved her Papa so much and they have had an amazing bond since the day she was born.  Martin could always make Elsie laugh and smile.  Because she went to the Daycare across the street from where he worked, they spent many car rides, drop offs, and pick ups together.   They were two best buds, and now her Papa mysteriously vanished and is never coming back.  That is a lot for a two year old to deal with.  Her sadness truly adds to my heartache, she shouldn't have to be going through this at such a young age, but yet she is, and it is not fair.  This pandemic has changed my little girl forever, because she lost her Papa.  Yes, she is still and happy, silly, and totally funny little girl with a lovely laugh and smile, but deep down she is experiencing her own sadness and heartache.  As her mommy it is so difficult to see, because I feel helpless at times.  I know I am doing the best I can for her, we talk about her Papa all the time, we remember how much he loved us, we look at pictures, she shares memories she has, we talk about feelings and how it is ok to be sad, we do fun and silly things, we laugh and smile, and we do cry and that's ok.  But when she has rough times because she is missing Martin, it is still just so hard to see and it will always break my heart.  

I am no expert, but there are things that I do notice help Elsie when she is having a rough time with her grief and usually cheer her up.  First and foremost Graeme is her absolute best pal, and the minute she sees him and he gives her one of his big happy smiles, her face lights up and then the hugs, kisses, smiles and laughter follow.  Graeme really is the best person to bring out all the love and comfort Elsie needs when she is struggling with some of her emotions.  Elsie also loves music (especially Frozen) but I also know how therapeutic it can be (definitely helps me) so we listen to music quite a bit and when we do it really does make her smile.  She also loves when we start dancing to the music, that is when I get the best giggles and smiles.  Reading is another activity Elsie enjoys greatly, especially when she is either reading to her little brother or me.  I love the way she talks about the things she sees and gets all excited about them.  She sometimes chooses books that her Pap read to her many times and even though she doesn't say anything I know she picks those books for a reason.  Elsie's other passion lately has been art.  She loves coloring, painting, and scribbling.  I notice that sometimes when she is painting or coloring she has very quiet moments when she starts, but then she tends to start talking about what she is doing and gets happy and excited.  When she is done she is so proud of her work and wants to show everyone what she has done.  To see her eyes light up in these moments, makes my heart happy.  

I know all these activities are helping her in some ways, and I try to help her as much as possible, but she is still struggling. I actually do plan on getting her the therapy.  I feel it is important for her to learn more ways to express and deal with her grief as well as for me to  learn how to support her even more.  This is truly one of the more difficult things for me since I had to tell her Papa was too sick to get better so he went to heaven with God and even though we want to see him we can't, but he will always be in our heart.   No two year old should ever have to hear that.  I know Elsie is strong like her Mama, and she will get through this just like I will, and we will do it together with nothing but love and understanding.  I also know that we will only get stronger from this experience and our love and respect for each other will only grow.  However, right now in this moment it is painful to see her struggling with her grief like she is. I do know that the grief she is experiencing now is all because she LOVED and will always LOVE her Papa so much.  Like me her grief will lessen but will never fully go away because her love for her Papa will always be present in her life just like it will always be present in my life.  Elsie and I are grieving together, and will always be there for each other...I make her laugh and smile just like she makes me.  Grief truly is the price you pay for loving someone as deeply as we loved Martin.