More Grief

This week my grief has been stronger than usual.  I couldn't pinpoint the reason until after I talked to my Grandmother (Grammy) on the phone Wednesday night.  Last Thursday Grammy had a massive stroke,  she was in hospice, and she past away Friday night.  This week I knew I was going to lose another person that I love.  Her stroke was unexpected.  Martin dying was unexpected.  Although, I knew what it meant once Grammy was transferred to hospice earlier this week, her death is still so difficult especially since I am still grieving Martin's death.  I honestly have never felt grief like this before, it is hard to explain, I almost feel like I am stuck.  I am now grieving two people that I love dearly.   I have to accept the fact that I will never see either Grammy or Martin again in this lifetime, another piece of my heart is broken, more  memories flood my mind and some even intertwine.  

My last visit with Grammy was around this time last summer.  I think about being at 44 Roslyn with Martin and Elsie, enjoying our time with Grammy.  I  always knew how precious and important my visits were and Martin always made sure we would get to 44 Roslyn when we visited Massachusetts. He always knew how important it was to me and he and I also wanted Elsie to have amazing memories at 44 Roslyn.  Even if she didn't remember being there as a baby, one day we would have pictures and videos from our visits that we could share with her.  Since Elsie was born being at 44 Roslyn was even more special to me.  We chose the name Roslyn as Elsie's middle name because I had so many wonderful memories throughout my life at 44 Roslyn.  I feel Elsie's middle name is a constant reminder of my memories, and we wanted her to build her own memories there as well.  We knew that in time she would have wonderful memories of 44 Roslyn just like her Mommy.  Elsie will have wonderful memories since my Aunt and Uncle still live there, but now Elsie's memories won't include Grammy, and that is heartbreaking for me.  Graeme will never meet his Great Grammy like I had envisioned (we were supposed to go visit in April, but we all know why that never came to be).  So as I think about my last visit and the memories I have I immediately focus on the fact that two people who are a huge part of my memories are now in heaven.  That is just so unreal to me.   I feel so blessed that I have these memories, but at the same time I feel that Grammy and Martin should both still be here with the ones they love still making more memories.  

I already miss Grammy more than words can describe.  I know I am so blessed to have had her in my life for so long, but of course I still wanted more time.  Just like I wanted more time with Martin.  Grief exists because of love, and that is why this week my grief has been incredibly strong; I am grieving two people whom I loved dearly.  Grammy and Martin are gone, but they will NEVER be FORGOTTEN.