One of Those Days

Today was just one of those days where Martin was really on my mind. A lot of different moments flooded my mind and made me miss him so much. I know I am allowed to have days like this and feel the way I do, its part of grief and losing someone you love so much.  

Today I grieved the loss of our future together.  All the plans we had, all the things we were going to do as husband and wife, and all the things we were going to do as a family of four.  All of those things won't happen the way we planned.  Yes, I plan to do all those things that we talked about, but they will be without Martin here, and that just hurts and makes me sad.  And honestly it makes me made that he is not here to be able to have those experiences with us.  Again, I know it is normal to feel this way, but it just sucks.  

Today I also had a moment where I thought about one night when Martin was at home fighting COVID.   I remember on that particular night he came out of our bedroom and asked me to stand on the staircase so he could look at me.  I remember his amazing smile as he looked at me lovingly and him telling me how beautiful I looked.  I also vividly remember him telling me how hard this was and how he couldn't wait to be better so he could hug and kiss me again.  I wish he got better, and I am still trying to understand why he had to get so sick and why he couldn't beat this stupid virus.  Again I went back to the thought that keeps coming back...it just isn't fair.  

Finally, when I was getting something in our bedroom, I looked at our bed and could picture Martin laying there the morning I had to go in to put an oxygen mask on his face, because he couldn't breathe.  I try not to think about this moment too often but every once in awhile it pops into my mind without warning.  As I thought about it I couldn't help but ask myself what did I do wrong?  I know I did everything I could for Martin while he was home, I brought him water, food, and anything else he needed.  I checked up on him often and always asked if he could breathe or if he thought he needed to go to the hospital.  I think back to  his telemed phone call the day before.  I listened in on the other side of our bedroom door, Martin was acting and talking like himself, he was telling the doctor how he was able to eat and drink but was just tired and sleeping a lot.  He texted me and everything seemed like he was just fighting this virus off and would recover.  And then not even 12 hours later he was gasping for air, and I knew I had to call 911.  So no I didn't do anything wrong, but yet I sometimes ask myself "What did I do wrong". Again, just another aspect of grief that I am working through.  

So today was just one of those rough, missing Martin days because I miss him with all my heart.