Why I Worry...

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Sometimes I have such a hard time figuring out wha to write, because I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my head.  I think what has really been on my mind lately is returning to work.  One of the reasons I started this blog was to be opened and honest about my thoughts and feelings, and I want to be honest about this too. 

So for those of you who don't know me personally here is a little back story before I go forward. I haven't been teaching since mid-October due to my high risk pregnancy.  Graeme was born in early November, and I had planned to go back to work in early February.  However,  as February got closer, I decided I wanted to spend more time with Graeme and enjoy bonding with him.  So in mid-January I made the difficult decision to take the rest of the year off.  I felt guilty about not returning to my students and teaching because I LOVE MY STUDENTS AND TEACHING, but then in early March when COVID started to get more and more serious  we decided to pull Elsie from Daycare.  This was the first time I actually felt good about my decision to stay home longer, because now I could make sure Elsie stayed safe.  Then Martin got sick, and my life has never been the same since.  

I am actually quite anxious about going back.  Before I explain why,  I want to make this crystal clear:  I truly want to go back to work.  I want some normalcy in my life again.  I want to see my students.  I want to do what I love...teach. I want to see my co-workers again.  However, I don't want to get sick or possibly die.  Martin's death has really shook me because he was a healthy 44 year old man, with his whole life ahead of him.  I am 36  and have been living with Type 1 Diabetes since I was nine years old.  So according to the CDC I am in the might get severely ill category if I do get COVID.  Martin wasn't on any list, and didn't fit the profile of the people who were dying from this horrible virus, but yet he contracted COVID, got severely ill, and lost his life.  It is hard not to be anxious about returning to work, when I think about my underlying health issue and how my healthy husband couldn't fight off this virus.  I don't want my kids to lose me too, and that truly is something I think about everyday.  They have already lost so much, and I truly don't want them to go through another devastating loss.  

Thinking about going back to work, also brings a lot of emotions to the surface about Martin's battle with COVID.  I know first hand how devastating this virus can be.  I also know how sudden and unpredictable it can be.  Martin was just sick when he was home, he could breathe just fine, his appetite wasn't so great, he could keep fluids down, but wasn't drinking too much because he just wanted to sleep, all normal according to the doctor he was talking to the day before he started to have difficulty breathing and I had to call 911.  In the blink of an eye things changed.  His first few days in the hospital after he was admitted seem to be going in the right direction, he needed a CPAP machine, his Oxygen levels were slightly low but improving, he had an appetite and could eat which was a good sign, he was slightly agitated, he texted me like he always did, and made sure we were ok. Then suddenly without warning they had to put him on a ventilator and the doctor told me things were not looking good.  I agreed to experimental drugs, he was being proned, again is levels were getting better, talk about getting him off the ventilator, and then a bacterial infection sent him all the way back.  And then it was just a rollercoaster everyday, as I counted the days he was on a ventilator I got more and more worried. I agreed to a tracheotomy to help him get off the ventilator, I was told by a doctor- "He will recover," surgery went well, no luck weening him off, another bacterial infection, Cardiac arrest.  I saw him via FaceTime, I saw how this virus changed him, I saw how this virus ravaged his body, I saw things I will never forget.  I quite honestly don't want to endure what Martin had to in his final days.  When I think about all he went through it makes me sick to my stomach.  

So as much as I love my job and students, I am absolutely petrified about going back and possibly contracting the virus that took my husband away from me.  Especially, when I am the only parent Elsie and Graeme have left.  


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