What a Difference a Year Makes

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Life was so different a year. ago, and I just wish I could close my eyes and travel back in time to happier times.  Martin and I were just three weeks away from welcoming our second child into this world.  We had just enjoyed a wonderful visit from Martin's father who made his yearly visit to the states from the U.K.  We were enjoying the last few weeks as a family of three.  We were getting ready to celebrate five years of marriage.  A year ago we were filled with happiness, excitement, and most of all love.  

Presently, I am still trying to heal from the pain of losing Martin so tragically and unexpectedly to Covid.  I am still adjusting to my new life as a single mommy to two young children.  I am trying to help Elsie heal from her wounds of losing her Papa and help her understand what death means (Papa is not coming home, because his body broke and now he is in Heaven).  I am trying to move forward with my life, but some people's words, actions, and attitudes about Covid always seem to bring back more pain and anger. I am trying to navigate all the changes in so many areas of my life as I figure out this new "normal.'   I have shed more tears and have asked myself "Why?" a lot more the past few weeks.  I can honestly say that my life just seems more overwhelming and challenging the past few weeks which of course makes me miss Martin even more.  I need his support, his hugs, him telling me I am doing great and that he is so proud of me, I need his "I love you's, but most of all I need, no I WANT,  him here with me.  Yes, I know he is in my heart and he will always be there, but it just isn't the same.  My heart is missing him and I can feel the heartache.  Even though I am going through all this grief, I do know it will get better, I know I will have good and bad days for the rest of my life, I know this storm inside of me will pass, but I also know there will always be this hole in my heart that will never fully go away.  

This year we are three weeks from celebrating our little Graeme's First Birthday.  There was no visit from Martin's father due to Covid.  We are a family of three because Martin is no longer with us.  I am about to have my first wedding anniversary without Martin.  Although there is still happiness, excitement, and an abundance of love, our family is also filled with sadness and pain.  What a difference a year makes.  




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