I Choose Joy

I have sat down and tried to write this what feels like a million times.   Christmas this year was unlike any other for so many families.   Many families were not gathering together like they usually do due to the ongoing pandemic and the dramatic increases in Covid cases and deaths.  Just like Thanksgiving, large gathering were still discouraged while small gatherings with people in your immediate household  were yet again being encouraged.   The most heartbreaking aspect of this Christmas is that for the first time we celebrated Christmas without Martin.   What is even worse is the fact that so many families had to celebrate the holidays without a loved one due to Covid.  As we approached Christmas, many thoughts flooded my mind.  How were we supposed to celebrate Christmas without him?  How was I going to continue our family traditions and create new ones to honor him?  

Yet, at the same time as I had those questions running through my head I also knew  I wanted to make this Christmas as special as possible for Elsie and Graeme.  It was the first Christmas Elsie understood the concept of Santa coming and bringing her gifts, I feel Graeme took his sister's lead and was equally excited by the holiday decorations and lights in our home, as well as the Holiday music.  

One poignant moment of the holiday seasons came a I was decorating our tree with Elsie.  Her  joy and excitement about putting each ornament on the tree reminded me of that spark of excitement my husband had each year.   A lot of this holiday season I have focused on trying to continue the traditions my husband and I created as a couple and then as a family.  I feel in doing so I am keeping his memory and legacy alive, but at the same time I am also creating new traditions with my little ones that will also honor him.  One of my favorite traditions that we had, was our ornament tradition.  Since our first Christmas together we have always given each other a special ornament the night we decorated our tree, it was such a special moment as we opened up the box with our new additions to the tree.  This year I had two ornaments made out of the shirts that he wore for each of my children's newborn photos. Although, I didn't get a special ornament this year to add to our tree, Martin indirectly gave me two beautiful ornaments to have our children add to our tree.  A piece of him is hanging on our tree not only this year but in the years to come.  As I handed my daughter her ornament to hang, her smile and desire to put the ornament on the tree right away, reminded me  of her Papa even more.  I realized that I was continuing our tradition, just in a different way.  I will always give Elsie and Graeme a new ornament to hang on our tree each year when we decorate, and their happiness as they hang them up will be my special "ornament" because it will always remind me of Martin.  

Although I knew this holiday season would be difficult in many ways, because it was the first without Martin.  I decided early on that I was going to choose joy over sadness.  I know Martin is with me in my heart always and would want me to be happy, despite him not being here with us. I choose joy because I have so many blessings in my life.  I have Elsie and Graeme (the two greatest gifts), I have my family, my friends, I have the people I have connected with because of  my devastating loss, and I am doing amazing things to honor Martin.   Christmas is a time of joy, and to see that joy on my children's faces made this Christmas special even though we were missing our hero.  

2020 has truly taught me to appreciate the moments you have with the ones you love, because you never know when it could be your last.  Christmas 2020 was not the Christmas I had envisioned at the start of this year, but it is one that I will remember and cherish because I will remember the JOY despite all the pain my family had we had to endure because of Covid.