My Life Can't Return to Normal

We are only a few days into March, and I am a bit stunned at how hard this month has been for me already.  There are so  many daily reminders of last year, when our  life was “perfect.” Martin enjoying his role as a Papa, bonding with 4 month old little Graeme.  I can vividly remember how Martin could make him giggle and smile, like crazy.  I can still picture Martin dancing around the house with Elsie and reading her books at her request because it was something she loved to do with her Papa.  Of course, the most precious memory I have is the one I captured on film, the one where Elsie and Graeme were sitting in their Papa’s lap singing “Row Row, Row Your Boat” and “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.”  That was his thing with the kids and I miss it more than words can ever describe.  

Not only do I have  the happy memories of last March flooding into my mind this month, I am also still surrounded by the news of Covid because it is still here and still very serious.  It was a year ago that Covid made its way into NJ and everything began to shut down because of the dangers of Covid.  A year later Covid is still very present, and in my opinion is still very frightening.  Think about it there are still many Covid cases across the country  and so many people are still losing their lives to this deadly virus.  But even though Covid is still very real the push for returning to normal as soon as possible is the new focus.  I keep hearing that we shouldn’t get complacent because Covid is still a threat,  yet we want to open up like “normal.”  So all of this talk of going back to the way things were before Covid entered our lives is what is making March even harder for me to get through, because I just don’t get what the rush is.  

I think what Covid has proved this past year is that there is still a lot to figure out.  Covid is a new virus and I still feel it has so many unknowns and that is why over five hundred thousand people have lost their lives to this horrible virus and why people are still losing their life to this virus.  We do not have this virus figured out yet.   So now as we push to open up things like normal I cannot help but feel frustrated and hurt.  I do feel like it is a slap in the face because it seems people don’t truly care about the individuals who have lost someone to this virus.  That people  don’t understand the heartache and pain I am still going through, and that my grief is still very present in my life.  Yes, I have begun to heal and move forward with my life, but my grief hasn’t magically gone away.  More importantly people need to realize that my grief won’t ever fully go away, because I will always miss Martin.  There will always be moments in life both big and small  where I will think “He should be here for this.”  

I have said this before and I will say it again, my life will never be normal again!  That is why this push for normal is extremely difficult for me to process and fully grasp.  This push for normal in some way makes me feel like I am losing Martin all over again.  On top of that, it is already a difficult month because it is March.  I am already thinking about this time last year when Covid wasn’t part of my story and how it  wouldn’t be part of my life for a few more weeks.  The fact that people want me to return to “normal” is both impossible and insensitive for not only me but the  many others who have lost a loved one to this virus.  Normal can never again happen for us.  The normal I want to go back to is gone forever.  My normal ended the moment Martin died.