Posts

Happy Birthday in Heaven My Love

-
Image
 My Love,     Today would have been your 46th birthday.  Today is also the second birthday we are celebrating  without you here with us.  At times it still seems so unreal that 2 years ago was the last birthday you would ever celebrate with us.  I still remember that day perfectly.  You took the day off (so glad you did) we spent quality time together with Graeme while Elsie went to daycare.  We picked her up early and I can still remember her excitement when she saw both of us walk into her classroom with Graeme. We went to the park because there was no other place you would rather be with your family.  You did all the Daddy things you had always dreamed about...helping Elsie get up to the slide, watching her be brave and slide down the big slide, pushing both Elsie and Graeme on the swings with such pride and happiness on your face.  You had that smile that I fell in love with, the one that made your eyes light up, that smile that I will never forget.  That day was also the day I sna
Post a Comment
Read more

The Bravest Thing You Will Ever Do Is Love Again

-
Image
Over 18 months ago my heart was shattered into a million pieces when I lost Martin. Our life was suddenly over and my new life quickly began.  It took awhile for me to pick up all the pieces, but I did.  I decided that in life I would always choose joy because that is how Martin would want me to live my life with Elsie and Graeme.  Martin always told me that Tomorrow isn’t promised, and because he believed in that so deeply he once told me that if anything ever happened to him, he would want me to be happy and find love again.  Martin will always have a huge place in my heart and I will always love him Now Forever Always (NFA).  Several months ago I decided that I was ready to open my heart and find love again.  Let me just say that after going through the worst possible pain and heartache when I lost Martin, being ready to open my heart to all the vulnerabilities that come with loving someone was scary.  But I knew if I found the right person it would be totally worth it.  I want to t
1 comment
Read more

My Stolen Goodbye

-
Image
A year since my life changed so drastically and the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye to Martin has been something that has stayed with me and pops into my mind quite often.    I just think about how Martin and I were always there for each other, but when he needed me the most I couldn't be by his side cheering him on, and giving him the love and strength I know he needed.  Worst of all in his last moments I wasn't there to say "I Love You" nor did I get the opportunity to say goodbye.  I will be honest, my stolen goodbye still haunts me even over a year later.   My stolen goodbye also brings out a lot of feelings of guilt at times.   Rational Pamela knows I did everything I possibly could for Martin.  Rational Pamela knows that Martin dying is not my fault.  But almost one year later, when grief sneaks up on me I have to deal with the intense and overwhelming feelings that in some ways I let Martin down.   My stolen goodbye also makes me wonder about so many
Post a Comment
Read more

Grief Is Complex

-
Image
Navigating grief is such a challenging and exhausting journey.  To feel fine one moment and then find yourself crying your eyes out the next is something I have had to not only deal with but also accept.  This past year I have learnt that it is ok not to be ok.   I have discovered that there will be times when grief will just sneak up on me without warning and make me feel as though I am moving backwards instead of forward.  I have been through many of those moments, and I now know that grief is just like a rollercoaster.  Grief has many ups and downs, twists and turns that you truly don't expect.  This grief rollercoaster is something you desperately want to get off but  know you can't.  Most importantly it is a rollercoaster ride that is truly different for everyone.   Through my journey the most important aspect of grief that I have become more aware of  is that EVERYONE does grief differently.  I really think that is so important to realize because many people tend to compa
Post a Comment
Read more

Scary Mommy: Yes, Kids Are Being Impacted By COVID — Mine Lost Their Dad

-
Image
When I found out that Martin lost his battle with Covid, my immediate thoughts were  how was I going to tell Elsie?  and How is this going to affect Elsie and Graeme?  For a year I have watched Elsie struggle so deeply, recently with the year anniversary she has had a major setback all related to the trauma of losing her Papa.  I wrote this piece published by Scary Mommy to make people aware just how affected kids are by Covid.  My daughter wants to know when her Papa is going to come and visit her, she still doesn't grasp why he is gone and she can't see him.  As a mother this breaks my heart.  So yes kids are affected and I will continue to raise awareness about this area of Covid grief, because this is my reality.   https://www.scarymommy.com/kids-impacted-covid-mine-lost-their-dad/ Elsie waiting for Papa to get home  Good Night Kisses to Papa
Post a Comment
Read more

A Letter to You, My Love

-
Image
 My Love,     I feel like I have sat down to write this over 100 times, but I just never am able to get the right words out. I cannot believe it has almost been a year since I lost you.  So much has happened, and yet a part of me still feels like no time has really passed at all.  So much about our last moments together as both a family and just us are still so vivid, like they only just happened yesterday.  I still see you in your Mets shirt and sweat pants looking at me from the doorway of our bedroom as I stood by Elsie's room.  I remember telling you what a great job you were doing, and reassuring you that you would feel better. I know I said "I love you" as I started down the stairs because I heard Graeme fussing.  In that moment I thought you were going to start feeling better and life would get back to normal. Little did I know our story was about to take an unexpected turn only a few days later.   I still think about April 3rd a great deal.  To be honest that day
1 comment
Read more

I’m A COVID Widow, So There Is No ‘Going Back To Normal’ For Me

-
Image
 I truly believe writing has helped me process the traumatic loss I suffered at the end of April, and also helped with in the healing process.  Recently, as people continue to say how they can't wait for life to return to normal, I felt it was important to right this piece, because for so many life will never be normal again.  Here is the link to the essay I wrote for Scary Mommy.  Please feel free to read and share! https://www.scarymommy.com/lost-husband-covid-life-never-normal-again/
Post a Comment
Read more