Live Laugh Love & Heartache

Over 18 months ago my heart was shattered into a million pieces when I lost Martin. Our life was suddenly over and my new life quickly began.  It took awhile for me to pick up all the pieces, but I did.  I decided that in life I would always choose joy because that is how Martin would want me to live my life with Elsie and Graeme.  Martin always told me that Tomorrow isn’t promised, and because he believed in that so deeply he once told me that if anything ever happened to him, he would want me to be happy and find love again.  Martin will always have a huge place in my heart and I will always love him Now Forever Always (NFA).  Several months ago I decided that I was ready to open my heart and find love again.  Let me just say that after going through the worst possible pain and heartache when I lost Martin, being ready to open my heart to all the vulnerabilities that come with loving someone was scary.  But I knew if I found the right person it would...

A year since my life changed so drastically and the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye to Martin has been something that has stayed with me and pops into my mind quite often.    I just think about how Martin and I were always there for each other, but when he needed me the most I couldn't be by his side cheering him on, and giving him the love and strength I know he needed.  Worst of all in his last moments I wasn't there to say "I Love You" nor did I get the opportunity to say goodbye.  I will be honest, my stolen goodbye still haunts me even over a year later.   My stolen goodbye also brings out a lot of feelings of guilt at times.   Rational Pamela knows I did everything I possibly could for Martin.  Rational Pamela knows that Martin dying is not my fault.  But almost one year later, when grief sneaks up on me I have to deal with the intense and overwhelming feelings that in some ways I let Martin down.   My stolen goodbye also makes me...

Navigating grief is such a challenging and exhausting journey.  To feel fine one moment and then find yourself crying your eyes out the next is something I have had to not only deal with but also accept.  This past year I have learnt that it is ok not to be ok.   I have discovered that there will be times when grief will just sneak up on me without warning and make me feel as though I am moving backwards instead of forward.  I have been through many of those moments, and I now know that grief is just like a rollercoaster.  Grief has many ups and downs, twists and turns that you truly don't expect.  This grief rollercoaster is something you desperately want to get off but  know you can't.  Most importantly it is a rollercoaster ride that is truly different for everyone.   Through my journey the most important aspect of grief that I have become more aware of  is that EVERYONE does grief differently.  I really think that is s...

When I found out that Martin lost his battle with Covid, my immediate thoughts were  how was I going to tell Elsie?  and How is this going to affect Elsie and Graeme?  For a year I have watched Elsie struggle so deeply, recently with the year anniversary she has had a major setback all related to the trauma of losing her Papa.  I wrote this piece published by Scary Mommy to make people aware just how affected kids are by Covid.  My daughter wants to know when her Papa is going to come and visit her, she still doesn't grasp why he is gone and she can't see him.  As a mother this breaks my heart.  So yes kids are affected and I will continue to raise awareness about this area of Covid grief, because this is my reality.   https://www.scarymommy.com/kids-impacted-covid-mine-lost-their-dad/ Elsie waiting for Papa to get home  Good Night Kisses to Papa

 My Love,     I feel like I have sat down to write this over 100 times, but I just never am able to get the right words out. I cannot believe it has almost been a year since I lost you.  So much has happened, and yet a part of me still feels like no time has really passed at all.  So much about our last moments together as both a family and just us are still so vivid, like they only just happened yesterday.  I still see you in your Mets shirt and sweat pants looking at me from the doorway of our bedroom as I stood by Elsie's room.  I remember telling you what a great job you were doing, and reassuring you that you would feel better. I know I said "I love you" as I started down the stairs because I heard Graeme fussing.  In that moment I thought you were going to start feeling better and life would get back to normal. Little did I know our story was about to take an unexpected turn only a few days later.   I still think about April 3rd a great...

 I truly believe writing has helped me process the traumatic loss I suffered at the end of April, and also helped with in the healing process.  Recently, as people continue to say how they can't wait for life to return to normal, I felt it was important to right this piece, because for so many life will never be normal again.  Here is the link to the essay I wrote for Scary Mommy.  Please feel free to read and share! https://www.scarymommy.com/lost-husband-covid-life-never-normal-again/

We are only a few days into March, and I am a bit stunned at how hard this month has been for me already.  There are so  many daily reminders of last year, when our  life was “perfect.” Martin enjoying his role as a Papa, bonding with 4 month old little Graeme.  I can vividly remember how Martin could make him giggle and smile, like crazy.  I can still picture Martin dancing around the house with Elsie and reading her books at her request because it was something she loved to do with her Papa.  Of course, the most precious memory I have is the one I captured on film, the one where Elsie and Graeme were sitting in their Papa’s lap singing “Row Row, Row Your Boat” and “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.”  That was his thing with the kids and I miss it more than words can ever describe.   Not only do I have  the happy memories of last March flooding into my mind this month, I am also still surrounded by the news of Covid because it is still here ...