Live Laugh Love & Heartache

A few weeks ago I wrote this piece.  Although I submitted it to several newspapers none of them published it.  So since I took the time to write it I thought I would post it here .   Is it Really Safe to Return?   Teachers play a crucial role in society. We work tirelessly to create the most engaging lessons possible to grab our students attention and foster their love of learning. We find clever ways to help students who struggle so that they too feel successful in the classroom. We spend not only our time but money to make the best learning environment possible for all our students. We are entrusted to keep our students safe from the moment they enter our room until the moment they leave. Teachers are asked to do so much every school year and at times it feels that many overlook how important teachers truly are.  When this pandemic started I had hoped that people would start valuing a teacher's job more, and at first it seemed that many understood just how difficult a teacher'

Seven years ago, on the steps of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, I met Martin.  I still vividly remember his smile and how is eyes lit up when we greeted each other with a simple "Hello, nice to meet you."  Originally based on the date idea I had posted on "How About We," we were supposed to have our first date at the MET, however, as I was on the train I texted Martin and asked him if we could walk in Central Park (my favorite place in NYC) instead because it was such a beautiful day out.  He was a gentleman and obliged, but we agreed to still meet at the Met before we headed to Central Park.  So that is how our story   began on the steps of the MET.   We walked in Central Park for hours, talking about our life, careers, I shared my knowledge of Central Park with him (as a second grade teacher I had created an entire social studies unit all about Central Park...I definitely impressed him with how much I knew).  It was obvious we clicked, our conversations were so n

Five months ago life changed.  Martin had a cough, but other than that he was feeling ok.  Yet he  was worried, being the person he was he called out from work.  He knew he had seen a patient who was on the radar of possibly having COVID and he wanted to keep people he cared about  safe.  He knew that if he did have COVID, he would be exposing so many at the hospital.  It was just a cough, he had coughs before, he seemed fine.  I remember him calling his boss, trying to find out if the patient's test result had come in...they hadn't.  I remember hearing her say "Let's figure out why you have this cough." He  went upstairs to rest, but all seemed fine...he talked about how if he was exposed he would just have to stay home, and he would have a chance to work on our bathroom.  Nothing that day really alarmed me, he had a cough...no fever...he could breath...he could smell and taste...he could eat...he acted like himself.  But this was the start, he had been exposed,

Sometimes I have such a hard time figuring out wha to write, because I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my head.  I think what has really been on my mind lately is returning to work.  One of the reasons I started this blog was to be opened and honest about my thoughts and feelings, and I want to be honest about this too.  So for those of you who don't know me personally here is a little back story before I go forward. I haven't been teaching since mid-October due to my high risk pregnancy.  Graeme was born in early November, and I had planned to go back to work in early February.  However,  as February got closer, I decided I wanted to spend more time with Graeme and enjoy bonding with him.  So in mid-January I made the difficult decision to take the rest of the year off.  I felt guilty about not returning to my students and teaching because I LOVE MY STUDENTS AND TEACHING, but then in early March when COVID started to get more and more serious  we decided to

This week my grief has been stronger than usual.  I couldn't pinpoint the reason until after I talked to my Grandmother (Grammy) on the phone Wednesday night.  Last Thursday Grammy had a massive stroke,  she was in hospice, and she past away Friday night.  This week I knew I was going to lose another person that I love.  Her stroke was unexpected.  Martin dying was unexpected.  Although, I knew what it meant once Grammy was transferred to hospice earlier this week, her death is still so difficult especially since I am still grieving Martin's death.  I honestly have never felt grief like this before, it is hard to explain, I almost feel like I am stuck.  I am now grieving two people that I love dearly.   I have to accept the fact that I will never see either Grammy or Martin again in this lifetime, another piece of my heart is broken, more  memories flood my mind and some even intertwine.   My last visit with Grammy was around this time last summer.  I think about being at 44 Ro

Today was just one of those days where Martin was really on my mind. A lot of different moments flooded my mind and made me miss him so much. I know I am allowed to have days like this and feel the way I do, its part of grief and losing someone you love so much.   Today I grieved the loss of our future together.  All the plans we had, all the things we were going to do as husband and wife, and all the things we were going to do as a family of four.  All of those things won't happen the way we planned.  Yes, I plan to do all those things that we talked about, but they will be without Martin here, and that just hurts and makes me sad.  And honestly it makes me made that he is not here to be able to have those experiences with us.  Again, I know it is normal to feel this way, but it just sucks.   Today I also had a moment where I thought about one night when Martin was at home fighting COVID.   I remember on that particular night he came out of our bedroom and asked me to stand on the

Grief is just so weird and complex, there really is no handbook.  I feel that grief at times just sneaks up on you when you least expect it and brings you on this emotional rollercoaster ride that you wish you could get off but just can't.  I have dealt with grief before when I lost my Dad suddenly, some of what I am going through now seems so familiar because I remember some of these feelings when I was grieving the loss of my father.  But the one thing that is totally new and makes my grief feel even stronger is seeing my sweet and loving little girl grieve.   Elsie was and always will be a Daddy's girl.  She loved her Papa so much and they have had an amazing bond since the day she was born.  Martin could always make Elsie laugh and smile.  Because she went to the Daycare across the street from where he worked, they spent many car rides, drop offs, and pick ups together.   They were two best buds, and now her Papa mysteriously vanished and is never coming back.  That is a lo