Live Laugh Love & Heartache

I love  browsing quotes because I find many of them so inspirational and right now that is without a doubt something that I need. I also feel that some quotes just have that power to make you feel better about your situation.  Sometimes when I read quotes I feel like my heart lightens up and there is that hope and joy that life will get easier at some point.  The other day while I was reading  quotes I came across a quote on Marty Tousley's Pinterest board and it resonated with me immediately.  It expressed exactly how I fell at times throughout the day when I think about Martin and start to miss him. "I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you.  And then I realized...you spent the rest of your life with me.  I smile because I know you loved me till the day you went away.  And will keep loving me...till the day we're together again. " True story I wanted forever with Martin, but he did get forever with me.  I know he loved me deeply until his last breath.  I

One Sunday a few years ago our Pastor gave a sermon in which part of it he mentioned how people write #blessed on a lot of different things on social media.  I don't remember what else the sermon was about but the #blessed stuck out because being the person Martin was, right after that sermon he used #blessed a lot.  It became our thing!   He didn't write it on social media  but would sweetly say #blessed when we did something special together or if I did something small to make him happy.  He would also use it when big exciting things happened...buying a house, finding out we were expecting, and having Elsie and Graeme are just some of those big moments he would let me know how #blessed he was (that we were).   I  was also so blessed that we met, fell in love, and built a life together.  Yes,  we had some bumpy times, but those bumps only made us appreciate each other and our love even more.   Our life together should have been so much longer, and I still ask myself at t

Through all of this one of my main goals is to get Martin's story out there.  There are a few things that fuel my desire to do so.  1.  He was only 44 years old. 2.  He was a healthcare worker who worked on the frontlines at the beginning of this pandemic.  3.  For Elsie and Graeme 4. He fought a brave battle with COVID  5.  He was amazing in so many ways and deserves to have his story told. 6. He is part of history.   I was quite honored that this past Monday, Governor Murphy chose Martin as one of the people he was going to highlight at his press conference.  Yes, he has honered many, but that doesn't change how special it was to me and everyone who loved and misses Martin.  To watch him talk about Martin and let others get a glimpse of the amazing person who lost his life to COVID way too soon gave me joy.  I was particularly touched because Governor Murphy added something at the end of his tribute to Martin that was not read to me earlier that morning before his press confe

Lately I find that the small things in life bring so much joy and happiness into my life.  I think since Martin's death I tend to value the little things in life even more than I ever had.    This past week I had many of those special little moments that put a smile on my face and are undoubtedly helping me heal.   The other night when Elsie and I were done reading her three books she picked out, I looked at her and told her it was time to say goodnight the her "friends" aka her stuffed animals (it was something Martin had started and I have continued).  She looked back at me and proceeded to get in her kneeling position on her chair, her way of saying "Mama, we have to pray first."  It took me a second to realize that I had forgotten that part of our nightly routine, but when I realized what she was doing I couldn't help but smile, and of course I thought about how proud Martin would have been of his little girl.  I could visual his proud Papa smile, and in

The other day as I was driving home from the bank and I was stopped at a familiar red light.  While I was waiting for the light to turn green I had this wonderful memory of Martin that put a huge smile on my face, but at the same time made my heart sink a little.   Martin was such a sweetheart and a total romantic. I know he was so in love with me (as I was with him) and he would always show me in both BIG and small ways.  When I was pregnant with both Elsie and Graeme, Martin came to every single appointment I had and I had tons since I was high risk.  Since he came straight from work we would drive home separately, but I would always follow him home (even though I knew the way).  On the way home we usually got stopped at this one red light, the red light I happened to be stopped at.  When we were stopped at that light he would ALWAYS make a heart shape with his hands so I could see it from my car to tell me "I LOVE YOU".  I would respond by blowing him a kiss which he could

Martin is without doubt a hero. I feel what sometimes gets overlooked about Martin is the fact that he was a healthcare worker(a hero).    He was a speech pathologist who was part of the Swallowing Team at St. Joseph's Hospital in Paterson and Wayne, NJ. At the start of this Pandemic he was on the frontlines seeing patients with minimal protective gear.  I am almost 100% positive that he contracted COVID doing a job he loved more than anything.  He had a true passion for what he did and how he helped and cared about people makes him a hero in my eyes.  Patient care was extremely important to him and based on his work stories and the stories others have shared with me since his death, Martin went above and beyond for his patients.  That was just the type of person he was...TOTALLY AMAZING.   As I was driving home tonight I saw a banner in front of a hospital near my sister's house that said "Heroes Work Here."  As I sat at the red light and looked at that banner, I tho

"Tomorrow Isn't Promised," something Martin told me every so often just out of the blue.  Tonight I was thinking about that statement and I couldn't believe how right he was.  I am going to be completely honest, I hate that he was right about this.  I truly thought I had so much more time with him, and he totally deserved more time with us.   As I think about my life right now of course I am a bit angry.  I want him to be here for all the amazing moments that Elsie and Graeme are going to have in life.  I want him to be here to celebrate another anniversary.  I want him to be here so he can tell me he loves me and what a lucky guy he is.  I want him to be here to cheer me on and encourage me when I have doubts.  I want him to be here to we can make new memories together as husband and wife and as Mama and Papa.  Even though I want all those things and at times feel angry, I am grateful that he would remind me that "Tomorrow isn't promised." Martin always

Losing your husband is difficult, losing your husband to COVID is even harder for several reasons.   1.  I couldn't see Martin the entire time he was in the hospital. That means for 26 days I never got to visit him, hold his hand, be by his side, or say goodbye.  The last time I saw him he was being wheeled out of our home on a stretcher.  To this day this still is so painful and breaks my heart. 2.  It is hard to hear on a daily basis by many that COVID isn't real.  COVID is very real to me and my two little ones.  I don't have my husband and they no longer have their Papa because of COVID.  This is very real, people are dying everyday from this virus.  So please don't say this isn't real.   3.  It is also hard to hear people say that because a person was young and didn't make it means they must have had underlying health issues.  Martin was healthy and COVID ravaged his body until his body could no longer take it.  He was healthy and young, and no he didn'

Last night when I read that Nick Cordero lost his battle with COVID after over 90 days, I couldn't help but feel sick.  My heart broke for  Amanda Kloots and their son Elvis.  I have never  met either one of them but I could feel her pain and grief immediately.  It also brought me back to the night I found out Martin lost his battle with COVID.  The shock and disbelief as you know your life is never going to be the same again.  That the person you thought you were going to do life with is no longer here, but yet you have to find the strength to continue on for yourself and little ones.  Needless to say last night was a horrible night for me.   As I sat in my living room thinking about both Amanda and Elvis, I felt the need to write to her and let her know that she is not alone in this.  That other people like me know exactly what she is going through, that we are now somehow connected because of the current circumstances life has thrown at us  (losing your love to COVID and being l

I was watching Hamilton two nights ago and I found it even more inspiring than I did when I first saw it in late September of  last year.  I am sure it is probably due to my current life situation.     Well, as I was listening to the last song,  I heard lyrics that immediately spoke to me.   "You have no control: Who lives Who dies Who tells your story?"    As  I heard those words I realize you truly don't have control over who lives or dies.  Martin didn't survive COVID but other people have, and at times I still don't understand why.  But it's true you have no control, and I just have to accept that and try to move forward with my life.  I truly believe as difficult as this situation is there is a reason he didn't beat this virus. I know God has a plan, and although I don't know exactly what that is yet, I trust God and I hope in time I will understand his plan for me.   Despite all the unknown I now have to face I know I do have control over  is who

The morning of April 3rd, I just knew something wasn't right with Martin.  When I went upstairs to check on him I knocked on the door and asked him if he was ok, it was something I had done since March 23rd when he self-isolated to protect us.  That morning was just so different, I could hear him gasping for air and when he could barely respond to my question I just knew I had to call 911.  As  they brought Martin down the stairs I  looked into Martin's eyes and said "I love you," and then I watched the ambulance take him away.   I didn't know that was the last time I would see him in person and that he would never walk through our front door again.  I truly thought he was going to be ok, I thought I got him the help he needed in time, and I thought he would be home with us soon.   A part of me wishes that I hugged him or kissed him on his forehead because that was my last moment with him.   I am going to be honest, when I think of that day I always feel a bit sic