Live Laugh Love & Heartache

Why is a question I ask myself a lot these days. Why did Martin have to get COVID?  Why did he get so sick?  Why couldn't he get better?   Why did he keep getting infections that set him back? Why couldn't he get off the vent? Why do my kids have to grow up without their Papa?  Why did I have to lose my husband to this virus?  Why did he have to die?  Why don't I get to grow old with Martin?  Why our family?  Why weren't my prayers answered?  Why is life so unfair sometimes? Why are people in such a rush to get back to normal? Why are so many people not taking COVID seriously?  I don't expect to ever get the answers to these questions, but maybe I will gain some understanding of why eventually.   I do realize that all the why's I have now are also part of my grief.  I know overtime the feelings I have will lessen and won't be as strong or as often as they are now.  I remember going through a lot of this after my Dad passed away suddenly.  I know things get b

You know what one of the most difficult things about this whole experience is?  Explaining that Papa couldn't get better and he is now up in Heaven to a 2 year old.  It took me a few days to figure out what I wanted to say and how I would break the news to her.  After all Elsie was such a Daddy's Girl and they truly were best buddies.  Thankfully, I had a lot of support and advice from people about what to say to her, the best was  "She is 2, you can't mess this up."  Knowing that made breaking the news somewhat easier.   So what did I tell her?  I told her that Papa was sick (she knew that she heard him coughing a lot) and that he couldn't get better because his body was too broken, so now he is up in Heaven and in our hearts.  Of course, this conversation had to be repeated many times, but each time we talk about why Papa isn't here Elsie definitely understands the situation more and more.  I have heard her tell people that Papa was sick and couldn't

This week has been a bit bittersweet.  The week started with Elsie, Graeme, and I celebrating our first Father's Day without Martin. Because he was such an excited and proud Papa he was definitely thought about and missed even more on Sunday.  All our firsts without him here with us are going to be tough, but we will get through it and appreciate our memories of him even more.   This week he also missed something incredibly amazing and something that I know would have melted his big Papa heart.  Elsie said "I Love You" to Graeme as she lovingly hugged him.  Martin would have been gushing over this.  He had seen what an amazing BIG SISTER Elsie was from the moment she met her baby brother.  He saw how she took care of him and got excited when she got to hold him or sit next to him.  But, he missed this touching and moving moment as Elsie expressed her love to Graeme.  As happy and amazing this moment was, I also couldn't help but feel a little sad that he wasn't he

Even after eight weeks it is still so hard to believe that I will never see or talk to Martin again.  It still seems so unreal, but yet I know this is my life now.  I know the pain and heartache will lessen overtime, but this still feels so new, so unexpected, and so unfair.  Today I had one of those "I am REALLY  missing Martin" days.   As I contemplated  why I was missing him so much I quickly found the answer... there truly  is just so much to miss about him.   I miss his laugh. I miss his smile. I miss his voice. I miss how is eyes would light up when he was super happy or excited.  I miss him making Elsie and Graeme laugh. I miss him being a silly and fun papa. I miss watching him read a book with Elsie.  I miss him being adorkable.  I miss him being a goofball. I miss his hugs and kisses. I miss holding his hand.  I miss the I love you’s.  I miss him telling me I am doing that “beautiful thing.”  I miss his texts. I miss sending him texts especially pictur

Keep Fighting , two simple words but put them together and they are two very powerful words.   Those were the two words I constantly repeated to Martin every time I had a FaceTime call with him while he was in the hospital fighting COVID.   "Keep fighting baby," and that is exactly what he did.  He kept fighting.  He fought to stay alive.  He fought to get better. He fought and fought and fought so that he could return home to us where he belonged.  He fought until his last breath.   I am beyond proud of him for fighting as long and as hard as he did.   I think about all he went through and yet he kept fighting and hanging on for us, and that is what makes losing him so much harder.  I really did believe that he was going to make it back home.  Yes, it was going to be a long journey home, but Martin would have done everything he needed to make that happen.  Simply put Martin would have continued to fight for us. One day Graeme and Elsie will know just how hard he fought for t

Father's Day  2020  I wish today was different. I wish that the last three months were a nightmare that I just haven’t woken up from yet. I wish Martin was here with us celebrating one of the things he loved most in this world...being a Papa!  This Father’s Day marks another without my Dad and the first of many without Martin. This day was already a bit difficult for me because I miss my Dad, but now Martin’s absence will make this day even harder. Although Martin isn’t here with us we will always celebrate him on this day just like I do my Dad. Martin truly was an amazing Papa. One of the things I miss most is the way his eyes would light up at the pure joy of being Elsie and Graeme’s Papa. He was such a proud and doting Papa. He was amazed at all the things Elsie and Graeme could do and was excited for all the moments that were yet to come as a Papa. It seems so unfair that he only got to be their Papa for such a short period of time, especially since it was one of his dreams!  

For some reason today I thought a lot about my time apart from Martin while he was in the hospital fighting for his life.  I remember how the one thing I wanted to do most was hold his hand.  Today while I was on Instagram I saw that Nick Cordero's wife got to do just that.  As I looked at her picture I felt so happy for her, and honestly at the same time I also felt sad.  Why? Well,  because she got to do what I wish I had the chance to do. It's a horrible feeling to know that Martin needed me and I couldn't be there to hold his hand like I always had when he was going through a rough time. Yes, there was FaceTime, but that isn't the same...in person is always so much better.  I know Martin fought. I know Martin knew how much I loved him. I know Martin knew I wanted to be there with him and would have been if I could.  I know that Martin needed me.  I know that this is one aspect of his illness, hospitalization, and death that sticks with me and is on my mind often.  P

WEDNESDAY It has actually been 7 weeks since I found out Martin lost his courageous fight with COVID-19.  Wednesday at this point in time is  just the start of another week without Martin.  It's hard to believe it has been 7 weeks, in some ways it feels much longer (and I am not wrong because there were 25 days before his death that I wasn't with him), but at the same time it sometimes feels like it just happened.  Yes Wednesday's remind me of that devastating moment when I found out my life was taking an unexpected turn, but Wednesday's also remind me about the moment something unexpected happened...and I am so glad it did.   BEHIND THE SCENES (BTS) Now I had mentioned in a previous post the emotional ups and downs of calling the hospital each day.   One of the most frustrating parts of calling was when I was told someone would call me back, and I am being honest 99% of the time that just didn't happen.  However, there was always one person without fail that would

One of the hardest parts about losing someone to COVID-19 is the fact you can't be with them.  I think that is one of the things that truly makes this sort of loss so much worse. Martin was literally fighting for his life and I couldn't be by his side holding his hand, comforting him, and just telling him "I love you" in person. Since we started dating he and I would always say "in person is so much better," and BELIEVE me it totally is.  The one thing I wanted most was to be with him, even if it were just a few hours a day but I couldn't.   I didn't see Martin in person for 26 days and I will never see him again. Just thinking about that makes my heart sink.  During those 26 days apart I went through the most intense rollercoaster ride of my life!   I basically lived around phone calls to the hospital because that was the only way I was going to know how he was doing.  Let me tell you making those phone calls was absolutely draining both physically

I have always loved writing, it truly is a passion of mine.  I find writing down my thoughts always clears my head and makes me feel better. It is an escape from reality and let's face it right now I need some sort of escape from my reality.  My husband was one of the people who fell victim to the COVID-19 virus.  It really has been a crazy two and a half months. First self isolation, getting the positive test results, calling 911, daily status update phone calls, intubation, major and minor setbacks, surgery, getting the phone call no one wants to get...he went into cardiac arrest and didn't make it, and now the grieving process and just trying to move forward with my life.  The past two and a half months I have been on the wildest and craziest journey of my life and yet my journey has only begun. So I go back to my love of writing, why not share my story, my feelings, the ups and downs I have each day? Maybe I will inspire or help someone in a similar situation, maybe I will